“I will not dishonor
my soul with hatred,
but offer myself humbly
as a guardian of nature,
as a healer of misery,
as a messenger of wonder,
as an architect of peace.
I will honor all life—wherever and in whatever form
it may dwell—on Earth my home,
and in the mansions of the stars.”
~ Diane Ackerman 

"Keep your gaze on the wounded place. This is where the light enters."
~ Rumi 

"If you stop to be kind, you must swerve often from your path."
~ Mary Webb 

“Love says, 'I am everything.'
Wisdom says 'I am nothing.'
Between the two, my life flows.”
~ Nisargadatta Maharaj 

"Much as I love to soul search, there are moments when you realize that perhaps today you are further complicating life by relentlessly seeking elusive answers to profound questions. Perhaps today is a day where you take what you already know to be true and apply it. Simple things we’ve had figured out for decades like the value of exercise, of dipping your feet in the nearest body of water, or having a good laugh with a few close friends. Fruits and vegetables are obvious in that way. Not too complicated, nothing really to fuss over, but simple, delicious, and just as good for you as they’ve ever been."
~ Dallas Clayton 

"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance."
~ Alan Watts 

“Instructions for living a life. 
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it.”
~ Mary Oliver

started in 2011...

completed in 2015...

I've always been afraid of change. It makes me nervous and I sometimes (okay, often!) find myself looping, worried about changes to come.

But in looking back at these moments, I'm grateful for change and the ability to shift and grow. It makes me know that I'll be okay, with whatever changes *do* come my way.Change does not always equal loss. In fact, sometimes, it can bring a whole lot of love. And even in those more difficult times, there's something about knowing that change is the only constant.

Because sometimes you'll find yourself, months later, OUT of a blue period, barely remembering that you didn't think you'd survive. But you did, and you will, again and again and again. 

//

This video is a collection of moments from the past two years. Please forgive some of my poor iphone orientation shooting!

❤

Music by:
"Past in Present" by Fiest
"Plasticities" by Andrew Bird
"Mother & Father" by Broods
"Holocene" by Bon Iver

A little holiday greeting, just for you. ❤

Wishing you all a bright, merry, and l♥ve-filled Christmas, Hannukuh, Boxing Day, Kwanzaa, Festivus and whatever else you celebrate!!
Also, Happy Winter Solstice (yay for longer days!!)
Hope you've been enjoying the holiday season - despite this unseasonably warm December!
♥♥
//
Previous greetings:
a sparkle partner christmas
nature’s glitter
yay christmas!
christmas with lavi

//

There are so many stories of pain in this world. My heart breaks for all of the senseless shootings, environmental destruction, our endless need for consumption, and the list of hurts could go on ... BUT! 

I really believe that if we could all just pause...
allow for more
s  p  a  c  i  o  u  s  n  e  s  s
feel into our breath, we'd remember that we are *all* connected.
To this earth and to each other.

I may not have any answers for the world's issues, but I can be a light and send well-wishes and hope this positive energy can make a difference.

//

I am thankful for the train ride to the expansive mountains. They provide a sense of renewal and remind me to keep believing in love and goodness for all living beings.

Full set of photos here and a beautiful read on re-thinking the need to fight violence with violence.  

//
Some snaps from a beautiful weekend upstate with the *parent sparkles*.
It was really special to show them some of our favorite spots, including Lake Minnewaska, Sam's Point, and the Bonticou Crag.  

One of the best days of my life, my wedding day ... 4.24.15 Thank you for all being part of it. ❤ Music by: "Violin Music" by Henry Chapin "Coastal Cities" by Summer Reign "Distopian Dream Girl" by Built to Spill "Sweet Thing" by Van Morrison "I Just Can't Get Enough" by Depeche Mode "Compliment Your Soul" by Dan Croll "Thunder Clatter" by Wild Cub

//

I still remember the cold spring day when I met Brendan. The wind was strong when I noticed him -- deep brown curls blowing in the wind. There was something about him that took my breath away. When I saw him walking towards me (because he was with our mutual friend), fireworks started in my stomach and out of my mouth in the form of a million, rapid-fire questions.

*yes, he was overwhelmed at first*

But then we met a few weeks later and I was a little calmer -- or at least appeared to be on the outside -- but I'm sure my stomach was in knots. It's hard to describe the feeling -- nothing has ever made me as nervous as he had, but at the same time I also felt a certain surety. When I finally worked up the courage to ask for his number, I remember running home and singing to the cats. Hayden laughed.

You see, he was a little quieter than me and I never felt like I could get the words right. I found myself with one-word answers with a certain spaciousness around them.

Me: So what do you like to do?
Him: Walk.
Me: Um, where do you like to walk?
Him: Around.
Me: Well, maybe we could 'walk around' together someday. (inner dialogue: hand-to-head, did that sound stupid!?)

Being the person I am, spaciousness seemed (is) scary, but I learned that it's exactly what I needed. Over the past year, he has given me nothing but *s p a c e* to be myself -- this has been very healing.//

I’ve been wanting to write about the wedding for the past few months, but the other day experienced something to frame it. It was a really rough day for a lot of silly reasons and I spent the better part of it in tears. The mental hamster wheel was spinning. In the past, this self-depreciating, self-worth spiral to hell would last a lot longer and I would be *even* harder on myself -- forget the second arrow, it was more like ten. But this time, there was something different.

I didn't ignore the negative feelings that were coming up, but I didn't let them take over me like they so often do. There was a small, half-fingernail size part of me that fought back. It reminded me of my own self-worth.

Later that night, I caught his eye while he was looking at me. He had just been telling me how pretty I looked and I felt his gaze. It was vulnerable and I felt that nervous-feeling again from those early days.

It was then that I realized that he really does SEE me. Yes, he sees my hair and smile, but he easily sees straight through to that half-fingernail sized part of myself that understands and fights back for my own self-worth. You hear about love at first sight, but to me, meeting Brendan was more of a coming home. Because his seeing me, really allows ME to see and love myself even more. The more this happens, the more *space* there is for playfulness and adventure (which we both happened to mention in our vows ❤).

//

The above are some of my favorite wedding photos, taken by the lovely ladies at BAM Weddings.

Also, here's a little video I made, full of lots of hugs. Making this video was so much fun, because it allowed me to experience the wedding. The actual day itself was a blur, but this let me feel into it all again.

Thank you to everyone who made it and for all of the well-wishes. Big love! ❤ 

The past year or so has been an absolute whirlwind. I haven't spent that much time writing about it partly because it felt like a dream and also because of my ongoing, internal debate on sharing and the digital space.

But I actually like to pause and reflect on things. It allows me to really remember my gratitude for the moment -- even if the moment has passed.

Sometimes I need that pause because there are times I get worked up about the future, somehow feeling like I need to plan my next move or the next "big thing". My "planning-mind" has always been a weird place for me to escape to, but I've been trying to challenge it.

Because the truth is, the past year was full of "big things". I quit my full-time job and started working part-time to allow myself more time for art. I used to daydream about time and how I'd spend it, but when actually given some extra hours it was much harder than I thought. So I worked too hard, too long, barely did any art and found myself in a slight creative block (which I'm finally coming out of).

I am one that (unfortunately) learns lessons in difficult ways. It can take me several loops before I see the right path, even if it's flashing neon pink. It likely took me losing balance, to realize I needed to find a balance, all with an underlying lesson of remembering to be kind to myself.

Sometimes it seems like there's a dance of life -- a balancing act of living in the present, reflecting on the past, and planning for the future. Staying too long in one area can upset another.In a recent conversation with a friend, I had an epiphany that I need to "decorate the house". I realized that I've been looking so far ahead that I haven't really settled into all the (amazing!) things happening now (like the fact that I married the love of my life!!).

It's like when you move into an apartment and you don't fully decorate because you know (think) you'll be moving soon... it's temporary.But I actually think it's important to decorate. To make it your own.So here's to decorating the house -- the house of my life. The current space full of change and finding balance, which is often still scary and unknown, but also oh-so-good.

Here are some old moments from the past year that are worth remembering.
A beautiful hike last September.
Thanksgiving in Iowa and very memorable sunrise-sledding. 
Christmas in Marco.
Ringing in 2015. 
Snow days forever--this past winter really did drag on. 
But then spring finally came! ... and I got married (another post on this to follow). 

Friend time with new friends, old friends, and now newly-connected friends.  

Currently loving this new video by Vanessa Carlton. So pretty.

Also, Grooveshark is no more (which really IS better for the artists, but I just liked making the playlists!), but apologies in advance for all broken playlists throughout the site. 

Life has been crazy-busy and filled with so. many. changes.

I'm "behind" in photos, projects, and a zillion other ideas that I want to do. I quote "behind" because I don't think there are any real rules to sharing moments (at this rate I will be posting sunrise sledding and snow photos in the dead of summer).

I suppose that's what happens when you plan a wedding in two months (and no, we are not expecting and I do not need a greencard, thank you very much). There are times when I find myself in the "fear-space" of all this change, but over the years I have become much better at recognizing when it happens. This awareness allows me to pull myself out of it sooner and re-enter the present moment, which lately has been filled with lots of color.

While the to-do list is crazy, I decided to take a tiny break and share some snaps from a recent weekend in Nashville.

pictured: finding Springtime in Nashville | cornhole | when my Iowa gals surprised me and told me that I was going to be a fairy for the evening -- they even gave me glitter!!! | playing the "bachelorette question game" that my love and I totally dominated at (we hardly missed any questions! this was one of my favorite surprises because I loved re-living the moments and hearing things from Brendan's point of view) | Nashville's Parthenon

not pictured: when I almost blew the surprise by saying that we needed a hashtag for the weekend (because our previous friend trips have always had one, so I had no idea why everyone was acting so strange when I suggested the idea, but then they revealed that they already had one for the "special" weekend! although we all decided that #nashpatateo was even better because we were nashville-bound and some friends keep likening my (soon-to-be!!) last name to a "potato" | four "hangry" girls in a car and how well KP handled us | KP's hospitality and funny comments, especially the one that said we were like a "four-headed llama, plinko machine" with all of our amazing thoughts racing and bouncing off one another... 

//

It was a lovely weekend. Thank you all so much. I really love you girls and I'm so happy to be part of your wolf pack ~ the Iowa friendship bracelets sealed the deal.
full set

There are certain things we can't prepare for, no matter how hard we try.

I was on the F train on my way to volunteer when I got an email with no message, but an alarming subject line."This is an emergency about Lavi - call ## - EOM." I really wanted to continue with my evening and ignore the message because I knew it couldn't be good. Not to mention, I had plans with friends to celebrate my recent engagement.

But I knew better. My heart was heavy and fingers were shaking as I called the number. I stood against a wall at the Rockefeller Center subway station and tried to ignore reality as I watched hurried commuters pass by.

Lavi-cat was in critical condition.

Tears started pouring down my face and I found myself walking towards the hospital.I called a friend and started sobbing, "Lavi is going to die. Lavi is going to die and I am a terrible cat mother."

You see, Lavi and I moved to New York City almost 8 years ago. I still remember stopping in Illinois to get her a cat tranquilizer because she would not. stop. meowing. At the time, I was newly in love and the world was my oyster. I thought that my life was going to be perfect. That my move was an "arrival point" to never-ending happiness.

How quickly I learned.

We lived with a 65-year old woman who made the cat her new best friend. She would leave letters on the door with stories about kitty. How they "filed taxes together" and how cute it was when kitty hid her toys. The stories were endless and wonderful.You can imagine how painful it was for her when I told her that I was moving out because my first love and I were breaking up.

Moving three times in a month did not bode well for my Lavi-cat and she did not like her new roommates. She was clear about her feelings by pissing all over the place in every apartment."It's behavioral," the vet would tell me after many expensive (and unaffordable) bills.

After 6 months I decided to return Lavi where she belonged. With her friend to file taxes and hide toys. She immediately stopped pissing and lived like a Queen.

I would visit regularly for "kitty spa" (nail-trimmings) and a catch up.

During that time, I also moved in with my best friend and we got two new cats. Life was good, but life was also busy. The visits became less frequent and it took me months to get there again.

~

It was a cold run/walk to the animal hospital on East End while I sobbed on the phone. I felt horrible for not getting to her sooner, for not taking her to the vet more often."Upstairs to the emergency room", the receptionist pointed. My tears must have been an instant giveaway.

We ended up sitting with kitty for a couple of hours. She was on an IV and did her best to walk around to each of our laps, but she could hardly stand. We had a lot of back and forth on what to do, but I made the decision to put her to sleep. The actual procedure took about 3 minutes and it was horrible to watch. We were sobbing.

There was a moment when I thought I saw a flash of fear in Lavi's eyes, and I briefly second guessed the whole thing. But deep down, I knew it was the right thing to do.

It's been a little over a month since this happened, but it was one of those "life moments" worthy of reflection.

Lavi's death was sad, but it also symbolized closing a chapter in my life. I've grown so much over the past 8 years. While I still struggle with loss and change, I realize it can't be avoided.Because these things happen - life and loss and change.

Losing my mother at a young age made death just a thing. I would talk about it like it were a smallthing - a regular growing pain.But losing a parent/loved one is a traumatic thing, no matter the age.

The older I get, the more I realize the weight of loss. Death happens, but life doesn't stop. Even though it may feel like it.

We can't prepare for these things.You just have to trust that you'll know what to do and how to cope. That all your experiences make you wiser and stronger than you realize.

And you'll surprise yourself with your ability to carry on. 

//

I admittedly spend way too much time wondering what people will think. Starting and re-starting sentences because I'm worried that they will come off "too" something. What makes up this "too" can change at any given time, for a multitude of reasons.And then there's the point of why?

You see, I have a love/hate relationship with technology, social media and the likes of it. I appreciate this digital space and that my thoughts live in a "cloud" and don't clutter up my actual living space. But if I'm honest, it can take an effort to keep the intentions pure.

For me, that means maintaining a space for self-reflection and memories because I like taking photos, looking back at random posts and remembering how I felt.

I took a break from writing for awhile to be more present, but I realized that these things can live in tandem--one can be mindfully present, while being a person that likes taking photos and writing mini-reflections.Sometimes those writings help us frame the memory.

When I listen to my best self I'm reminded that I shouldn't care what anyone will think if I share yet another flower photo or write about my super-sappy feelings on love.Looking at this seemingly simple behavior (to blog or not), helps me reflect on subtle ways of "either/or" thinking and, once again, reminds me to find center.

With that, here are some snaps from a near-Christmastime trip to Charleston.

not pictured: sneaking into corners around the city while drinking a full bottle of white wine given to us by our lovely Airbnb host, how friendly and HUGE that fluffy cat was, seeing thousands of washed up starfish on the shore and trying to save them only to find out later it might not have helped and how sad that made me, eating the most delicious food ever at Husk...omg the bread and butter. yum.

I tried finding a quote to express my gratitude, but I couldn't.

My feelings are hard to put into words; they are a bundle of nerves carried inside this body. A brain capable of stringing too many words together in long sentences. Excitement rushes through me and my fingers click away, but the truth is that there are many ways for me to express this love.

I hope that I am lucky enough to have years upon years to say it simply, to say it softly, and to dance it out.

//
pictured: photos of us on the Williamsburg bridge moments after Brendan proposed! 
not pictured: the little jumping beans that were in my heart the moment it happened (and YES, I was surprised!), how tired and excited we were because the length of our walk home doubled since I had to stop and kiss him every five seconds, and how hard it was to walk through the apartment quietly when all I really wanted to do was sing and dance and twirl the cats in happiness. 

A little Christmas card of sorts.

It's been amazing year. I found the love of my life, better known as my "sparkle partner". Before Brendan I never used this term, but the day I met him my heart sparked in a way that was unlike anything I had felt before. I am so thrilled that I've found someone I can share adventures with. I really have never felt so loved, beautiful, and appreciated.

For all of these reasons (and the fact that he's so willing to be playful with me [like in this video!] !!) he is my "sparkle partner".

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday, full of Love and of course, sparkles.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

♥♥

//

I was working on something else when Brendan said the sky was a pretty color. Little did he know (or perhaps he did; since he knows me so well), that this small comment would turn into one of those "keepers" moments. As soon as I saw the moon I grabbed my camera and his hand and we ran (carefully) to the roof to catch the last bits. I don't remember what we talked about, but I know we laughed. This happened sometime in September or October - I have no idea - time has just been going . so . quickly.

Lately, we've been walking the bridge. The first night was magical. I remember the shakiness of the bridge and the warmth of our two hands squeezed in one pocket. It was foggy that evening and there was a full moon. The sky was nearly the same color as the bridge making it seem like we were walking towards a looming monster. Halfway on the bridge, I stopped and gave Brendan a giant bear hug - the kind where you almost knock someone over. I explained that my hug was "squeezing that moment into my memory"; meaning it was something I never wanted to forget.

The thing is, I might.

Because these new experiences and these magical moments continue in a way where they become routine. I do not mean this in a negative way, but I'm really feeling into the fact that change is the only constant -- and that it doesn't always equal loss.

**pictured: That sunset | an awesome dance party with two of my favorite people that ended with sparklers! | morning rays | a boat-ride upstate to Oktoberfest where the food was, unfortunately, unforgettably horrible. | friends, friends, friends.

//Meeting the "parent sparkles" was marvelous. I have never felt more at home. I really hate saying the word "perfect", but our weekend together really was. Even when Mr. Fox (the cute lil dog) barfed on me when boating - chunks and all. Luckily, I was able to jump right into the water.Not pictured: playing my favorite drawing game, my excitement over seeing the dolphins, and all of the beautiful heartfelt conversations.

//

NY Cares Day 2014.

• Thanks to all of my dear friends for late nights of sketching and planning. Admittedly, it seemed quite impossible until you all pitched in. (even with the intense chevron pattern, it turned out so beautiful!)

• Thanks to the amazing volunteers for painting and having fun! You were all brilliant and fabulous!

• Thanks to the school for the great ideas and allowing us to sketch so late and special thanks to Colleen for being an amazing site captain!

I hope the kids love their new mural!not pictured: talking about our "magical" rendering of Washington D.C. with the students that helped paint (one was very proud for being her 3rd grade class president), my hourly "fun" check-in's, and the secret project that the same students decided to do on a SIDE wall. they kept coming over to us and asking if they could paint circles - i assumed they meant the circles for the "Banneker" text and encouraged their help! so we were all very surprised to find a NEW mural when turning the corner, but luckily the school has an amazing principal and parent-teacher coordinator with a great sense of humor. thanks again to everyone for making it such a magical and lovely day!  

♥

--

previous murals: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

//

Just a little place for the fall. 

//

Nature is one of my favorite reminders of the beauty of this life. Thanks friends, for making this such a magical trip and to Kevin for sharing his "Dilruba".

Not pictured: Driving the "church van" through the parking lot - which was pretty much the same height and terrifying | Sparkle interviews *:･ﾟ | Holding hands in the kitchen and passing energy balls (meaning a squeeze from one hand to the next and seeing if it could make it's way around the circle - it did!) | The hot tub dance party and pretty much making our own night time music video to Taylor Swift's Shake It Off - even (some) of the boys got into it! | Wondering when the solo leaf at the very tippy top of the tree outside the house would fall off and creating stories around falling leaves | Windham's Pumpkin Festival and the massive amounts of chicken and pumpkin treats that were eaten.