the other side
The year has been rough. About this time last year the inner gut started to hurt in the worst of ways, but the difficult decision to preserve the heart wouldn't happen until weeks after the birthday(s). The summer heat brought about loneliness and a sadness that only comes from having enough distance to see finally see a situation for what-it-was, not what-was-hoped. Forgiveness persisted into the fall, and room was made for the kind of love that leaves one breathless. The first night you saw his shape standing on the corner, you knew you would not be able to look him straight in the eyes, for his deep blue would see straight through to your soul. They still would.
Winter came and revealed the darkest depression felt in years, if ever. The saddest lyrics on cold walks from the train couldn't bring the release of tears which were so desperately needed and often tried. It took everything to just-get-through-it. Frustrations began, conversations circled, and you landed head first in a dark rabbit hole. A hollow space full of too-much-of-this and not-enough-of-that which really just meant taking things for granted and dealing with things in the worst of ways. The space was muddy and unclear, and it took a gigantic mess to feel the release. Everything unraveled and the months of trying-to-cry poured out. The floodgates burst and it took weeks for the tears to stop—but they did. Walking home, feeling the spring in the air, golden light on the buildings, clumsily dropping the scratching post (which should have been purchased two years ago) to-just-get-that-picture; there was a moment of clarity and a realization of being on the other side. It might have been the weeks of internal conversations instead of sharing everything with everyone right away for this allowed the inner voice to figure things out, to embrace the s-p-a-c-e. Nights were spent surveying forgiveness and the heart landed in a space of acceptance.
The year has been rough, but the seeds of self-love were planted last spring through those difficult decisions. The seedlings flourished in a love that defied gravity in it's best, but were bridled in its worst. But plants can self-propagate, new roots can emerge, and everything can begin again.