late night thoughts ten days into 29...

i've been 29 for ten days now. so far, so good. it's so interesting to look back and re-read thoughts and wishes from previous birthdays. i have come so far, learned so much and grown tremendously; but at the same time i haven't changed at all.there are no specific lists, thoughts or wishes for this year. come to think of it, i didn't blow out a single birthday candle. i slipped into this year quietly, but it was unforgettable. no number of facebook posts or birthday candles could have have matched the way in which i actually took time to celebrate myself.so for the remaining 355 days of my twenties (gasp!) i want nothing more than to learn to be better at staying in the space of the "unknown". i struggle with uncertainty. my relationship with change has been rather tumultuous because there is this part of me that always wants to have it figured out instead of just letting it be. i struggle equally with thinking too much about the past, wondering about the what-ifs and should-haves. judging my actions and wishing i could time travel for a "do-over". while i don't plan on time traveling anytime soon (i actually find it terribly confusing), i do believe there are situations that come around and around and around again, and we are presented with opportunity and choice. we can choose to see things differently. we can choose to make the same mistakes again. or we can choose to handle things in a completely different way.i believe this is healing. i want to continue with my life as.it.is. to continue in this space. to loosen the grip. i want to live fully. to tend to my garden of friends. to grow. to have adventures. to allow room for mistakes and remember compassion, because there will always be times when we don't get it right - or just don't get it at all. i want to be thankful daily. to love freely. to dream. i want to be open to possibility. i want to be.

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