Posts tagged reflection
on the tangle
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a pile of processing... 

almost every morning i enter the tangle. i walk straight into the jungle of the tall plant that reminds me of a cornfield, crunching it down with my boots. the phragmites bends easily as i make a small circular path for the electronet fencing, but i often have to rip at overgrown bittersweet and grape tangled around one other. this area i am creating is where the sheep will graze. the hard part is carrying the electronet fencing with me as i place it along the small path -- it is always a small tangle.

for weeks, i tried new methods of wrapping the thin wire mesh and poles to make it easier on myself, but no matter my effort it would still tangle or get caught on the ground or a piece of litter left unveiled by the sheep's grazing. i used to be frustrated by this, but i decided to use this as a time to practice radical acceptance.

radical acceptance for each time i managed to step my foot through the fencing making it impossible to move forward only realizing that I was the tangle, radical acceptance for the time i literally tripped myself and fell face first into the grass, radical acceptance for the few times i zapped myself on the fence, radical acceptance for all the times i set up the fence and realized it was just alittletooshort to reach the other end and then had to go back and move each pole a little bit to make it fit, radical acceptance for all the ways i realized the only thing that would allow everything to untangle was patience and s l o w i n g  down.

moving the fence has become my morning meditation. i think of our interconnectedness, to each other and the earth and the problems and the hope. the beauty and terror all swirling around paradoxically together.

i imagine that with every little tangle i manage to overcome by patience, that this radiates outwards. that a little bit of spaciousness can be added to the web of everything. 

plant wisdom

vignettes of farm mornings. in no particular order..

i walk westward, outside of the gate. the chicory greets me with it's cornflower blue hue. it is morning.
the wheelbarrow pushes against the ground, my chest heaves. gratitude for these legs that carry me forward.

a path of white lace on thin green stems ... queen anne's lace
cones of fuschia flowers reaching upwards ... purple loosestrife
yellow candy buttons with a sweet scent ... tansy
a gradient from light pink to green, colors of the heart chakra ... virginia pepperweed

when you look, everything seems green
but when you look closer you see that each leaf has it's own personality, it's own curl of a leaf,
alternating patterns, tiny hairs that breathe
diversity is beautiful.

the chicory reminds me of impermanence
it changes as the sun moves, even within one hour
the blooms welcome me, but as the sun rises the blooms close
within the week the stems have turned from green to maroon
small signs of autumn tease against the thick summer air
everything changes

*Sparkle Partners Forever*
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//

I still remember the cold spring day when I met Brendan. The wind was strong when I noticed him -- deep brown curls blowing in the wind. There was something about him that took my breath away. When I saw him walking towards me (because he was with our mutual friend), fireworks started in my stomach and out of my mouth in the form of a million, rapid-fire questions.

*yes, he was overwhelmed at first*

But then we met a few weeks later and I was a little calmer -- or at least appeared to be on the outside -- but I'm sure my stomach was in knots. It's hard to describe the feeling -- nothing has ever made me as nervous as he had, but at the same time I also felt a certain surety. When I finally worked up the courage to ask for his number, I remember running home and singing to the cats. Hayden laughed.

You see, he was a little quieter than me and I never felt like I could get the words right. I found myself with one-word answers with a certain spaciousness around them.

Me: So what do you like to do?
Him: Walk.
Me: Um, where do you like to walk?
Him: Around.
Me: Well, maybe we could 'walk around' together someday. (inner dialogue: hand-to-head, did that sound stupid!?)

Being the person I am, spaciousness seemed (is) scary, but I learned that it's exactly what I needed. Over the past year, he has given me nothing but *s p a c e* to be myself -- this has been very healing.//

I’ve been wanting to write about the wedding for the past few months, but the other day experienced something to frame it.It was a really rough day for a lot of silly reasons and I spent the better part of it in tears. The mental hamster wheel was spinning. In the past, this self-depreciating, self-worth spiral to hell would last a lot longer and I would be *even* harder on myself -- forget the second arrow, it was more like ten.But this time, there was something different.

I didn't ignore the negative feelings that were coming up, but I didn't let them take over me like they so often do. There was a small, half-fingernail size part of me that fought back. It reminded me of my own self-worth.

Later that night, I caught his eye while he was looking at me. He had just been telling me how pretty I looked and I felt his gaze. It was vulnerable and I felt that nervous-feeling again from those early days.

It was then that I realized that he really does SEE me. Yes, he sees my hair and smile, but he easily sees straight through to that half-fingernail sized part of myself that understands and fights back for my own self-worth.You hear about love at first sight, but to me, meeting Brendan was more of a coming home. Because his seeing me, really allows ME to see and love myself even more. The more this happens, the more *space* there is for playfulness and adventure (which we both happened to mention in our vows ❤).

//

The above are some of my favorite wedding photos, taken by the lovely ladies at BAM Weddings.

Also, here's a little video I made, full of lots of hugs. Making this video was so much fun, because it allowed me to experience the wedding. The actual day itself was a blur, but this let me feel into it all again.

More memories/reflections on our wedding website.

Thank you to everyone who made it and for all of the well-wishes. Big love! ❤ 

Decorate the House
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The past year or so has been an absolute whirlwind. I haven't spent that much time writing about it partly because it felt like a dream and also because of my ongoing, internal debate on sharing and the digital space.

But I actually like to pause and reflect on things. It allows me to really remember my gratitude for the moment -- even if the moment has passed.

Sometimes I need that pause because there are times I get worked up about the future, somehow feeling like I need to plan my next move or the next "big thing". My "planning-mind" has always been a weird place for me to escape to, but I've been trying to challenge it.

Because the truth is, the past year was full of "big things". I quit my full-time job and started working part-time to allow myself more time for art. I used to daydream about time and how I'd spend it, but when actually given some extra hours it was much harder than I thought. So I worked too hard, too long, barely did any art and found myself in a slight creative block (which I'm finally coming out of).

I am one that (unfortunately) learns lessons in difficult ways. It can take me several loops before I see the right path, even if it's flashing neon pink. It likely took me losing balance, to realize I needed to find a balance, all with an underlying lesson of remembering to be kind to myself.

Sometimes it seems like there's a dance of life -- a balancing act of living in the present, reflecting on the past, and planning for the future. Staying too long in one area can upset another.In a recent conversation with a friend, I had an epiphany that I need to "decorate the house". I realized that I've been looking so far ahead that I haven't really settled into all the (amazing!) things happening now (like the fact that I married the love of my life!!).

It's like when you move into an apartment and you don't fully decorate because you know (think) you'll be moving soon... it's temporary.But I actually think it's important to decorate. To make it your own.So here's to decorating the house -- the house of my life. The current space full of change and finding balance, which is often still scary and unknown, but also oh-so-good.

Here are some old moments from the past year that are worth remembering.
A beautiful hike last September.
Thanksgiving in Iowa and very memorable sunrise-sledding. 
Christmas in Marco.
Ringing in 2015. 
Snow days forever--this past winter really did drag on. 
But then spring finally came! ... and I got married (another post on this to follow). 

Friend time with new friends, old friends, and now newly-connected friends.  

the past few weeks
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//

I was working on something else when Brendan said the sky was a pretty color. Little did he know (or perhaps he did; since he knows me so well), that this small comment would turn into one of those "keepers" moments. As soon as I saw the moon I grabbed my camera and his hand and we ran (carefully) to the roof to catch the last bits. I don't remember what we talked about, but I know we laughed. This happened sometime in September or October - I have no idea - time has just been going . so . quickly.

Lately, we've been walking the bridge. The first night was magical. I remember the shakiness of the bridge and the warmth of our two hands squeezed in one pocket. It was foggy that evening and there was a full moon. The sky was nearly the same color as the bridge making it seem like we were walking towards a looming monster. Halfway on the bridge, I stopped and gave Brendan a giant bear hug - the kind where you almost knock someone over. I explained that my hug was "squeezing that moment into my memory"; meaning it was something I never wanted to forget.

The thing is, I might.

Because these new experiences and these magical moments continue in a way where they become routine. I do not mean this in a negative way, but I'm really feeling into the fact that change is the only constant -- and that it doesn't always equal loss.

**pictured: That sunset | an awesome dance party with two of my favorite people that ended with sparklers! | morning rays | a boat-ride upstate to Oktoberfest where the food was, unfortunately, unforgettably horrible. | friends, friends, friends.

a little reflection
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//

It's interesting to look back at old posts on this space. Some moments are cringeworthy because they remind me of the times when I tried so hard, leaving a certain melancholy hidden in overly happy writing.Part of me that wishes I could erase large parts of my past because sometimes I hate thinking that there was ever anything before this effortless happiness I've found. But I realize that sometimes it takes going in a few circles before you realize that there really is a simplicity to it all. It likely took all those turns in order for me to figure out what was most important.Be true to yourself. Be honest with what you want.

I wish I'd done this sooner - truly - because ever since I gave myself permission to be me, I've been happier than I've ever been and I'm just so, so thankful. ♥

**pictured: a midnight birthday kiss while playing with light and open shutters. the second photo shows what it's like to drop your phone...

lifeline

i am my own lifelinedarkness finds it's way into my heart. into my mind. into my words.i say things without thinking.i think things without doing."what's the point?" that harsh voice asks."it's all already been done. you're not good enough anyway." it teases."...but you love it and it makes you happy..." a tiny voice struggles to speaki am my own problem, but i am my own lifeline.maybe this realization is part of "the point."the "action step" for my list-loving mind is self-love. 

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